Soon it was Trees and Dark

Runs in the Family

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 14:26:00 -0500

Well, that’s just speculation, but with no family as long as I’ve had no family, one might start to form theories and speculate on circumstance. As I have. As it stands, I was not the first of my siblings to exhibit signs of the sickness. I was the third.

My sister had the blackened, bloodied vomit from the tender age of seven, and my brother started coughing the mess up at three. I, the middle child, didn’t exhibit any symptoms until I was abouts… eight.

For reference, that puts my sister at ten, brother at four. So, if we want to shoulder the blame on a child, then we shove it onto my sister. But that hardly seems fair. I mean, they didn’t die until I started showing signs. Shaking. Coughs. Fits of full body spasms. Vomitting. Bloody noses. Other nastiness.

You see, I had it by far the worst. I suppose the Tall One had a fondess for me from the start. Sort of morbid way to look at the sickness. Ah well. So then the eye turns back unto myself. And I wonder wherein I became the difference. When did I become the child who would live, and my seemingly more resilient siblings them that would die?

It must go earlier than his accident on the playground, or hers in freezer it mum’s bakery. It can’t simply be that I was just… chosen. No. It isn’t that simple for the Slender One. The eye then turns to the parents. Where were they? All this time, what have they been doing about their three constantly ailing children?

And I realize something very clear. Before I exhibited signs of the sickness, it had been me who got to make the important decisions on where we would go on the weekends, what we would watch on the tele, who got the last bit of jam on their toast. I was spoiled. Shocker. I was apparently the favorite. Also, a shocker.

This revelation hit me at about twenty.

My father was not a kind man. From what I recall of him, he had more tendencies towards yelling and open palms than any sort of tenderness. We three all feared him in that way that children fear fathers when they’ve had too much drink in them. But looking back on it, I almost never got that hand. So I feared because he made examples of my siblings. I have always been the smart one. The one who gets the message. I never rebelled or acted out, and I always obeyed very quickly, so I suppose it makes sense that to the abusive father I would become the favorite.

As to my mother? I’m not so sure, but she followed the bear of a man in his every opinion, his every action. She seemed to just be his shadow. Bearing his children, pushing foward his word as law. An enabler. I doubt I was actually her favorite. But she treated me well. Very well. Maybe because I was the child she could get away with treating well. It’s hard to say.

They’re both gone now. Everything I type on the matter is speculation because of that, but it brings me some small solace.

…We never went to any form of religious gathering.

The eye is still suspiciously turned on my parents.

I had a prior revelation, about when I was fourteen. Two years after my sister had supposedly locked herself into a giant freezer on accident. For four hours. Slow death. No one heard her yelling for them. No one went back there. For four hours. Someone had turned the cold down to below freezing. She had been found in jeans, flip flops, and a tank top. She had no chance.

But of course, this had been an accident. Her own fault for playing in a freezer. No one took a second look at how my mother had been the last to see her, and the one to find her. No one looked at how she often had asked us to fetch things for her from the back. No one looked twice when she closed up shop.

Grief, she said.

We are a family of convincing liars.

My health improved dramatically upon becoming the eldest child. For a year and a half I was able to function as a boy might. No coughs or vomit or breathing issues. No black bile.

A year and a half.

My brother was eight. Our father had taken a turn towards the nice. We were shocked, my brother and I, but we took the niceness in stride. It was better than the ulterior.

And then my health began to wane again. Maybe not as bad as it had been before, not at first. But the bile was everywhere. I have always known the reason for my bile. I have always known the Slender One to be the cause. Or at least a symptom. They have always been related. A year and a half without seeing Him had been… odd. Not comforting, but discerning.

Seeing Him had become a natural part of life. I had thought that, like so many others, I would be called to join His side. The other children I saw with Him… had seemed so happy. At peace. Content. It was only a matter of time.

I had missed Him in His abscence. Maybe not the obvious reaction, but seeing Him again was comforting. And my sickness was creeping back. My brother’s had never left. And then father took him to the park, one on one, to play.

The jungle gym is a dangerous place sometimes.

We went to the hospital.

My brother didn’t make it.

More mourning. And my sickness fled. As did the Tall One. For eight months.

And then it hit me, on his return three months after I had turned fourteen. My sister had been worth eighteen months. My brother, eight. I saw then what my parents had been doing. The favors they were doing me. Or themselves.

It’s hard to say what they were trying to postpone: my inevitable turn towards the Tall One, and thereby my inevitable transformation into a monster. Or were they just trying to keep me but a few months longer, for purely selfish reasons? Or was I just a justification for their acts of violence out against my siblings? I don’t know if they were proxies who wanted to do these things anyway, or runners making bad decisions (proxy and runner for lack of better terms right now).

My first victim was my father, immediately following him was my mother. I was fifteen, and my health stayed well until I hit twenty.

And then I met my Sweet Cherie. That’s an interesting history too, but perhaps for another time.

I suppose you could say that I am just following my nature. It’s what my parents did before me after all. And maybe I am. But maybe I’m not.

Aww, you're sick? How... unfortunate. Did you catch something over Valentines day~? <3

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 01:09:57 -0500

I didn’t have any Valentine’s Day deary~ Sweet that you think I should, but the holiday is overrated. And I’m not paid enough to partake, even if I were to have someone to be Sweet with.

And it’s funny how you think I would be naive or simple enough to simply “catch” something.

Aww. Maybe you just don't have the RIGHT company~? <3

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:59:12 -0500

No, just space would be nice. Some time apart. It’s embarrassing to be seen so sickly as I am right now. Thank you though.

I am Bloody Tired

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:55:57 -0500

It aches…

To say the least I am not feeling my best… I’ve been loving the attention I’m getting from Shepherd. So tender, caring, and sweet. Can you sense my sarcasm.

Part of the problem? I’ve not been left alone this entire week. Oh, of course, we can’t let one of her Lady’s precious commodities fall into disrepair.

The company’s just not been the best and I feel as though I could use a break from it.

No offense to m’lady’s Bishop.

But the overwhelming need to vomit overshadowed by one patronizing man’s company is not the most comfortable situation.

Space. Sweet Cherie I wish I had space…

If you don't want people knowing who to talk to, you shouldn't have named your dear Handler~ She and I are on the same level-for all you know, I've worked with her before. ~<3

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 23:08:44 -0500

You imply I might actually have done something that my Mistress would require reporting. I have done naught at all to displease her. But thank you ever so for disgruntling me and making me wonder about how I met appear to others. ^_^

Some of you may be aware of a certain Shepherd. He is not a...

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 23:52:00 -0500

Some of you may be aware of a certain Shepherd. He is not a pleasant fellow. But he’s not particularly unpleasant either. He’s got a lot of charisma, if you say, don’t know at all what he does with his free time.

I, though, happen to know what the fuck he does in his spare time. It’s none too pleasant.

Anyhow, we have the same Beloved, and Cherie did deign it appropriate timing for him to take a pick from the flock. And no, I haven’t been letting you sick little voyuers know of each and every little mission I am required to perform. No, because that would be giving you too many dirty details. You might think something of me.

Heaven.

Forbid.

Anyway, so the Shepherd made his pick. And lucky me I get to keep The Mute. I have named the boy such because he never ever bloody fucking speaks. I mean not that he’s much to talk about. I get to teach him all the glory of the clean work. But still. He could use, I don’t know, a word or three. Dreadful boring it can be.

Also, what the bloody hell smells like tuna? Jesus Christ I think I’m going to be sick. New hotel space here I come.

Oh my, you're playing such a dangerous game here~ I wonder what would happen if I said the right word to the right person~? <3

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 00:02:08 -0500

That would imply you’ve got half a clue as to who the right person would be. And not only that, but that you’ve got a clue how to reach them.

And it would also imply that I am actually playing a game.

I assure you I am only playing the games that I am permissed, no more, no less.

They seem to be in vogue right now.

<3

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 15:13:00 -0500

Oh, and yes, the heart is absolutely necessary I see.

Your considerable defensiveness over whether or not you have feelings shows fairly well that you do, in fact, have them. Not to mention you take time end energy out to verbally spar with askers such as myself, showing you care about the emotional impact your answering and not answering may have. We can safely infer, then that you do in fact have feelings, and also that you have some ulterior motive for wishing to conceal them. So what is it, dearest 655321, that leads you to hide your true self?

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:13:00 -0500

After long consideration as to how to eloquently answer that question… the response to my challenge laid out days ago, I have come to a conclusion. Though I’m sure it will be unsatisfactory to you, and considered quite an avoidance rather than an answer. But alas, here it is:

I do believe you, of all my askers, should know full well that I am not able to reveal the nature of that answer. And I do believe you, of all my askers, should be the one to know that answer already.

You always were the best as digging to the heart of the matter weren’t you? Even when it puts the matter at hand quite in danger. As well as yourself.

You rebel without a cause you.

The man doth protest too much~<3

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 03:18:00 -0500

Does he? I don’t know. He seems to protest just as much is required. No more, no less.

Someone has to wonder, who it might be that found themself... attached, as you put it, to you. But then, if it can't be afforded, I suppose you might not want to elaborate?

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 22:32:00 -0500

I did not imply anyone was attached to me did I? I fear I have misled you, pray tell, what can I do to amend your misunderstanding? I fear that I must put your mistake aright this very moment! For no one my dear, no one, is attached to me.

There is someone who could care for anyone, so why are you so quick to shy away from the possibility?

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 23:55:00 -0500

Oh, there are most definitely them that care for me. In the way that a child might care for a toy. Or a lonely old person would care for their companion-pet. But I am forgotten. And most often replaceable.

Maybe a few might protest that fact. Or maybe they won’t. The fact is simply that ‘care’ is too lose a word.

The point you are trying to make, asker, would be better proven with use of a word such as ‘attachment.’ For example, I might rephrase the query as “There is someone who might find themselves irreparably attached to someone else, so why are you so quick to shy away from such attachment?”

To which I would answer, “Because attachment is pain and self-sacrifice, and who in this war of the houses can afford such frivolity?”

Don't you think that denying you have a heart is rather trite, silly, and stereotypical of you, darling~? <3

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 20:44:00 -0500

Am I not these things? Am I not trite and silly? And more than just sometimes am I not rather stereotypical? I’m a bloodhungry proxy my dear, I believe I do fit the stereotype. Not to mention I’m cocky as all get out and I think I’m quite above death. What about me is not stereotypical for me and my brothers?

Can you prove me wrong? Would you claim to know me so well as to prove me wrong?

…

That should not be poised as a question, but rather a dare. I dare you to imply that you know me so well as to prove me wrong.

Today Is Proving a Very Active Day

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 18:46:00 -0500

Today Is Proving a Very Active Day

So, are there any rumors which you'd like to dispel, in light of recent answers to recent questions? <3

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:00:00 -0500

What rumours? Such as rumours that I have a heart? But only a fool could beleve such a thing as that! Everyone knows I am composed of only particals of devotion, bloodlust, and boredom. What else would I have within me?

Nay, I am the tin man, but with a lack of want to actually cure my disease.

And what hornet's nest would that be~? <3

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 07:21:00 -0500

A hornet’s nest that holds the most genuine and gentle hornets I have ever met, despite their loudly buzzing exterior. I’m quite enamored of the creatures, as they fight so hard against their very nature to sting their known enemy on sight. This nest would be filled with the most forgiving hornets that I hath ever had the blessing to meet.

I am lucky in that.

This is Madness

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 23:22:00 -0500

I don’t know when I declared it open question week, but apparently that’s what it is. Thank you Darlings for all your poking and prodding, I’m going to give you all answers shortly, but there are so many to sort through. I came home and opened up my inbox and I just… I’m shocked to see I’m so popular tonight!

Anyway, I’ll get to it as soon as I can, but as I had an exhausting night and some of these questions are of… an exhausting nature, I’ll let myself sleep on the answers. Or as much sleeping as I can do. Which is sometimes not much at all.

Well, you /are/ the one beng a brat about things. Eve if there are good reasons. Throwing rocks at wasps' nests ad all of that.

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 19:26:00 -0500

Yes. I am such a brat. I shall blow raspberries across the internet at you, Anonymous Asker.

See if you get anything more intelligent than that out of me for another week.

~~(If you speak of the wasps’ nest I think you do, I’ve done far worse than just throw rocks.)~~

The angry panda amuses me. He’s graffiti in my current...

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 19:02:00 -0500

The angry panda amuses me. He’s graffiti in my current hotel bathroom. I’m contemplating bringing him with me when I inevitably leave this place.

Yes, as is to imply I might wish to take this chunk of wall out of it’s place and continue onward.

Simply for the fact that so little amuses me anymore. You must understand my dilemma of boredom!

That would be telling, wouldn't it?

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:31:00 -0500

Oh my, are my questioners also playing the game of not-telling? It becomes a dreadful repetitive game when two sides play it, I’m just going to declare that much right now.